love is*
Thursday, September 6, 2007 by Sanam
Whenever any of my ex boyfriends would tell me they loved me, I wouldn’t believe them and would tell them that they are lying. That rejection/denial has been usually interpreted as my lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. But that wasn’t really the case. I know I’m lovable. But the problem is that the word “love” has certain denotations in my mind. To me, love is unconditional. There’s no buts and ifs in it. It’s like the way a mother loves her child. No matter what the child does, the mother doesn’t stop loving her. There will be moments of anger, disappointment, frustration, or even mistrust. But the state of the love for the child never cease to exist. It’s not dependent on the child’s ever-changing being. Unfortunately, that’s the only way I see love. And I know it’s almost impossible to love someone - that you haven’t given birth to - that way. That’s why its so hard for me to believe someone actually loves me after being with me for just a few months. It’s really difficult to love somebody unconditionally, unless you conceive something special in the relationship with that person. I don’t know how to put it into words. There are moments that you create something, a feeling, an environment, a memory, with a person, as if you have given birth to something new, something as special as your own child, that would make you fall in love with your partner I guess. This has happened to me three times in my whole life (two of them were not even through relationships). I have given birth to a new me through three different encounters, the me that I love so dearly, a me that was not preexisting. The existence of those new me-s was related to the existence of the men whom I had encountered with. They were part of this new-born child. That was why I loved them, and I still love them, unconditionally. My love for them is not diminished by the fact that one of them betrayed me, another one never found out (or cared) about my feelings, and the other one left me alone at the most difficult moment of my life. I still love them and will love them forever, because they had a big role in the most surreal moments of my life, the most unique moments of passion and ecstasy, in my unique experiences of being invincible and alive.
And of course I still get amazed at myself whenever I believe someone loves me, while I know how hard it is to love someone by my standards. I still make the mistake to sometimes believe when someone says he loves me. I still sometimes believe that someone loves me “unconditionally” and I count on it foolishly. I make the mistake of assuming that he loves me unconditionally and act based on that, or let’s say based on the quasi-feeling of security that the love of that person gives me. I still should remind myself that people can hardly love each other “unconditionally,” so that I won’t make mistakes, don’t count too much on them, and don’t get disappointed when they aren’t there for me when I expect them to me.
(I read what I wrote here once, and I think what I wrote hardly makes sense! It’s 5:30 am here and I’m dead tired, frustrated, and disappointed. I just wrote them to empty myself and organize my thoughts. I appreciate your understandings if you made it up to here!)
*Remember the Turkish “Love is” chewing gums that each had a note about what love is? I always wished there would be one that read “Love is unconditional.”
How do you know your standard is the truth? and how do you know that your love is unconditional? did you love other people for themselves or somewhere deep in your heart you love them because of Your desire? because you want to have a handsome person close to you. If your love is unconditional when the person you love cheated on you, you should undrestand him, be happy for him that he is enjoying his life.
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Lady Sun: I don’t say my standard is the truth. It’s simply my standard. And the point of this post was that I have often judged my partners based on my own standards, assuming that when they say they love me, they mean they love me unconditionally, and that I should know that not everybody’s standards are like me!
I don’t have children and so I can’t truly comprehend the bond between parents and their kids.
However, I do agree with you. Unconditional love is a rare thing and exceptionally rare in relationships. It would be a far happier and contented world if more people explored the possibilities of loving another with such intensity and loyalty.
By the way, I did read your post all the way through and it made sense! ;)
-Zathyn P
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Lady Sun: Thank you so much Zathyn for your nice words.
Unconditional love is a wonderful thing, but very rare, at least in my experience. It seems like most people think of love in terms of “I’ll do something for you if you do something for me”; i.e., there are usually conditions.
Let me introduce you to one of the best books that I have ever read. It is “Time Enough For Love” by Robert A. Heinlein. He is one of the most famous science fiction writers of all time, and one of my personal favorites. This is the story of a man who lives for a very very long time. His life began before WWI and extends far into the future. He tells many stories of his life and his loves. The stories, even though some are set in the future, are timeless in terms of human needs and desires. Technology changes, but the human heart is always the same.
This link will tell you all about it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Enough_for_Love
I hope you will find it interesting. :)
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Lady Sun: Thank you so much David!
Dear Lady Sun,
Your post is clear and understandable enough.. Love has many different levels .. for sure not every one can reach to the top.. when the feeling is pefect that two people have get to the same level at the same time.. some times one of them stop at the middle due to lack of energy, ability or interests .. they are not lying to you as you said yourself, just “Love” for them is in a different level!!
you will find a ture “Love” eventually as your heart is searching that…
Good Luck
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Lady Sun: Thanks Nazafarin jan. You must be right!
My point is by having this rule in the mind, you are just hurting yourself. So why not changing it. Maybe Love is just an experience to help us to be closer to the perfection. It is just an oppurtunity to grow up and it doesn’t matter who you loved, the important thing is what did the experience has given to you. Don’t bother yourself about specific person, think about what you have gained from that specific relationship. I think People come and go and we are all alone at the end.
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Lady Sun: Thanks Sara. You are right.
I mistakenly hit this link and now I cant resist to add my 2 cents here .
Lady sun, it seems that you threw the colors on the canvas first and then you tried to make a picture out of it. It’s very colorful; yet flat and unidimensional. First of all, you cant expect every relation to be governed by a universal law of gravitation. Just like not every food tastes like pizza, relations also differ in their depth and dynamics. A mother-child is more of whole-part relationship… there is a level of devotion and self-denial. It’s somewhat same for a wandering darwesh in deserts or a martyr laying his life in a battle field. But man-woman relation is more pibolar in nature and it grows and dims like a flame. I bet not many ppl will be happy if their partner show that kind of devotion and unconditional love. Dont you think it’s tango! … not the whirling dance of sufis.
just a hint …. to be in *peace* is more important than to be in *love*
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Lady Sun: Thanks RM. Great points :)
cheers :)
You know Sanam, I know exactly what you mean and your post makes total sense. I didn’t know what unconditional love meant until met M and then I realized how lucky I was to find the one person who was more than happy to give me the type of love I deserve and wanted, without having realized it myself. Your post reminded me so much of “love in the time of Cholera”, which I’m sure you’ve read… I don’t have any poetic things to say, but I just wanted you to know I don’t think it’s weird to feel the way you do.
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Lady Sun: I read Marquez’s book many years ago, but I’ve totally forgotten about it. I should read it again. Thanks for the nice words. I’m happy for you :*
Dear Lady sun,
I hadn’t read your english blog for a while and I used to read your Persian one, However, recently I found out that you have revived your english blog, and I’m delighted to see that you are writing such strong and beautiful prose.
Cheers!
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Lady Sun: Thank you so much Roshanak jan. I keep reading your beautiful words in your blog too :)
I would never want a man to love me unconditionably. Because the conditions for his love are exactly the things that make him interesting (or not). Same way, I don’t think I will ever be able to love a man unconditionably. Thinking about the things that I consider as “conditions for my love” made me learn a lot about myself too. It’s a process I’m not willing to miss.
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Lady Sun: Interesting! This shows how people have different perceptions about love, how we should not assume that everybody thinks the same as us about love, and how we should avoid judging people purely based on our own standards.
It’s the first time that I’ve found somebody who has the same fealing about love as me!
P.S.
I dont know why I always had this idea that u translate ur persian weblog here :)…i never cheked it out before
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Lady Sun: Glad to hear you feel the same. Thanks for the comment :)