God! I have feelings rarely had before. I feel I’m somebody else. He has an important exam today. I’m nervous as hell, as if I have the exam myself. Sometimes I’m afraid to accept that I have such feelings. Sometimes it’s easier to deny what you feel. I’m a little bit scared. Feeling this much close to somebody scares me. I have always used to set up a wall, an invisible wall, between me and the men around me. I remember I removed this wall only once, and it hurt as hell. The scars of that wound are still there on my soul. What if this is also another tragedy of breaking down the walls?

And then the whole issue is scaring me. I had never imagined it’s gonna happen so soon. I always thought it will happen in my thirties. He says I’m very capable to start it. I feel capable too, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Living for the rest of your life with someone else, sleeping in the same bed with him, sharing your days and nights, happiness and sorrow

I sometime like to escape from everything, I like that world inside me. I usually don’t let people enter this world. I feel happy with myself. Sometimes I leave everything alone and escape into that inner world. What if one day I feel like escaping again? He’s such a lovely human being I will never ever wish to hurt. Will he stand me escaping, getting lost in the middle of nowhere? Will he stand my crazy moments of feeling lost? Will he stand my unreasonable ups and downs?

I feel nervous for his exam. It’s such a strange feeling I have never experienced before. What is happening to me?!