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I don’t know what to do. Whatever I do turns out to be wrong. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and more than anything, I miss what I had, at least just a few months ago. What happened to all that? Where did you go? How did you end up shouting at me so senselessly? What happened to all those great moments? What happened to you? Where did you go?

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(Youtube is under maintenance now. Double click to see the video on Youtube website.)

How I needed you
How I grieve now you’re gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone

I know you didn’t want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And my being

In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real

I still feel the pain
I still feel your love
I still feel the pain
I still feel your love

And somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And somehow I knew you would leave me
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
Oh I wish, I wish you could have stayed

***

Check another version of this song here.

I yearn for the touch, for the whispers in my ears, for the drunk moments filled with oblivion, passion, and ecstasy. My skin is getting stretched. I feel the pain. I reach out, but it’s fruitless. I fall. It’s a free fall.

The eyes in the framed picture were blaming me. I didn’t know, I didn’t know. I looked at the eyes, the beautiful innocent eyes, the simple smile, the ivory skin. I wanted to touch her face, connect to her, tell her I didn’t want to hurt her, tell her I didn’t know. Tell her I was alone.

I want to forget, I want to forgive, but the innocent eyes in the frame are staring at me. How can I forget? How can I forgive?

I just heard that Haleh Esfandiary is released on a $300,000 bail, after forced TV confessions and three months and a half of solitary confinement . I hope Kian Tajbakhsh will be released soon as well.

what is real? give me something real to hold on too. i’m confused, i’m lost. i don’t know what is real and what is not real anymore. please, please give me something real to hold on to…

I think I’m becoming a little bit better today! I volunteered in International Students Center, made friends with a nice Lebanese guy there, and went to the court to do some paperwork. If everything works well, the divorce will be finalized by September 26. I chatted with my ex today, which was good. I’m happy that we are at least friends, I assume good friends. Yesterday I told him about my constant cryings. Today I even talked to him about the guy who has cheated on me. He tries to help. I know he’s not feeling well either. For him, the problem is not the divorce (we’ve separated for more than a year, so he’s at least past the separation sadness stage!), but his job, his immigration status, and his education. I think he’s deeply depressed. I wish I could help, but I’m so depressed myself that I can’t help anybody now. And well, I am not supposed to help anybody now. Once in my lifetime I should pay attention to myself, love myself, and care about myself. I’ve been drowned in thinking about others. My country, my family, my friends, the oppressed people, etc. But it’s silly to care about others without caring about yourself. I think I am mature enough to realize now that there is no merit in sacrifice. My new philosophy of life is that we have so many problems in the world, that our first good contribution to the world should be not adding to its problems. So, we should take care of ourselves first. If I become sick with depression, I’ll impose financial burden on my school to treat me, cause regret and emotional guilt for those who made me depressed, and will decrease the limit of my productivity. That’s not a nice thing to do when I claim to be a women’s right and human rights activist. I’m a woman too, I’m a human too. I should help myself first!

This is a quick and unprofessional translation of what Said Mortazavi, Tehran’s Chief Prosecutor (who is responsible for many arrests, tortures, and deaths of political and women’s activists in Tehran, including the death of Zahra Kazemi and Akbar Mohammadi) has told the families of three imprisoned Amir Kabir University students, who have been tortured in Evin Prison according to their families. These students have been arrested based on accusations that they have published an insulting student paper. The students have denied the accusations. The original news in Persian was published today in the website of Amir Kabir News, a reliable new website published by Amir Kabir University students.

 

3 imprisoned Amir Kabir students

Mortazavi to the imprisoned students’ families: We haven’t tortured them yet to make you understand what torture means!

Said Mortazavu, Tehran’s Chief Prosecutor, called the families of Ehsan Mansouri, Ahmad Ghasaban, and Majid Tavakolli, the three imprisoned Amir Kabir University students, and invited them to his office Sunday morning.

After the families attended his office, he told them angrily and authoritatively: “We warned you several times not to speak anywhere, not to interview, not to distribute the news about inside ward 209 of Evin prison, and not to meet anyone, but you didn’t listen and did your own work. Now I have transferred your children to solitary confinement again, and unless you change your approach, you won’t be able to visit them or talk to them on the phone.”

According to Amir Kabir News, Mortazavi, in response to the students’ families protest that their children were innocent and had been forced to confess under torture said: “Who said they’ve been tortured? I should determine if they have been tortured or not, and I say they haven’t. We haven’t tortured them yet to make you understand what torture means! They haven’t confessed under pressure either. The insulting publication was prepared by these three students, and unless they write their repentance letter, there won’t be any release.”

Mortazavi, in response to the families who asked “So what about the judiciary chief’s order [to release them]?” said: “The judiciary chief’s order is my business not yours. From now on you are not allowed to meet anyone, no political authority or an official. You can only change your approach so that I let you meet or call your children. Your children should write repentance letter to get released, that’s it!”

Following these statements by Mortazavi, the families of the tortured Amir Kabir students who went to Mortazavi’s office hoping to hear the news of their children’s freedom, left the prosecutor’s office with weeping eyes. It seems Ahmad Ghassaban, Majid Tavakkoli, and Ehsan Mansouri, the three tortured students, are falling victim of internal fights between the two moderate and hardliners factions inside Iran’s Judiciary system.

 

*P.S. Kamangir has done a better job in translating part of the news. Make sure to check out his blog: “Torture? We have not even started it yet!

It feels good to know that he was a cheater. Don’t make a mistake. I’m not talking about my ex-husband (he was never a cheater.) I’m talking about someone else, someone I trusted and counted on so much. Someone I shared my heart with since I separated from my husband. It helps me to bear the situation better, knowing that he’s a cheater. Instead of missing him and feeling bad for not being as good as I had to because of the depressing situation I was in, I now know that it was all excuses, he is the cheater. He couldn’t wait, so he cheated, and now wants to put the blame on me. Gosh, I won’t cry for him anymore at least. I feel much better…

I feel I know you
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

I see you feel for me
You cried with me
You would die for me

I know I need you
I want you
To be free of all the pain
You have inside

You cannot hide
I know you tried
To be who you couldn’t be
You tried to see inside of me

And now i’m leaving you
I don’t want to go
Away from you

Please try to understand
Take my hand
Be free of all the pain
You hold inside

You cannot hide
I know you tried
To feel…
To feel…

Parisienne Moonlight by Anathema (Download its wma here)

(Anathema is what I listen to these days. Helps me a lot, specially when I’m walking.)

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