I was always the one who compromises, who is considerate, caring, sacrificial, blah blah blah. In my relationships with friends, families, and partners, I always bore with them, forgave them, ignored their contradictory behaviors, ignored their double standards, or in other words, tried not to make a big deal out of their shortcomings. Well, maybe I’m wrong, maybe my friends, family, and ex partners don’t admit that, but at least that’s what I though I was doing. Then it came this one time, this one time that I was under so much pressure, in deep depression, and there was nobody out there to compromise, to sacrifice, to bear with me! People thought I’m making a big deal out of my problems. They judged me harshly. They left me alone. There were times that I just closed my eyes and wished I’m dead. I don’t have the guts to kill myself. I’m so afraid of death that I will never commit suicide. But I just wished it would end suddenly, and it didn’t. During this time, which hasn’t ended yet, I suddenly realized what a fool I was. I thought I have so many close friends. I always said I’m proud of only one thing, and that’s my friends. But I was so wrong. I just realized how alone I am when I am really in need of a friend.

Now I understand that nobody sacrifices for a friend, that it was my mistake sacrificing for my friends, without even being noticed by them. I now know that everybody has her own problems and engagements. I should not expect anything from anybody. I should not care if anybody expects anything from me. I should put myself on priority, without being afraid of the consequences.

I know all that, but I know that I can’t do the right thing. Again I’ll be fooled and continue my old way of treating my friends, being super nice with them, giving them services, listening to them without contradicting them or telling them they are so wrong or stupid when I think so, and unconditionally love them. Well, that’s the only way I know for being a friend. If I act differently, then I feel like being hypocritical, not being honest.

Anyway, I still can’t overcome why this time, only this time that I so much needed compromise and unconditional love, I was rejected. This is added to all my confusions and frustrations now.  So, I have to pass this difficult stage of my life with one added agony; the agony of being all alone by myself. But at least, as once one of my friends said, if I pass this stage alone successfully, then at least I can have the confidence that I can overcome anything!

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