It was a horrible drive. It seemed as if it never ends. There were times I wanted to just hit the car somewhere and die. I just didn’t because somebody else was in the car too. I had mixed feelings when I was passing the town on my way home. The suffocating feeling of loneliness and the bad memories following my last year car crash came all back to me. But then passing through campus and seeing the beauty of UF made me feel better. It felt good to see my house. I like it, although I know this apartment will be then another place for bad memories. I think I just felt safe to be back home.

But then I was shocked in the morning with a note I received. It was painful. I froze for 5 minutes. Everything that I tried not to believe suddenly seemed so real. Many things have been painful in the past couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to believe the reality that the person I trusted, loved, and thought so highly of, was not honest when claimed about loving me. I trusted that person, I showed all my dark sides, all my weaknesses, all my crazy thoughts and feelings and lust to that person. I was too honest to the extent that I’m now totally predictable. Now all those things have been abused to suffocate me. I feel like being backstabbed. I thought I could be myself, act like myself, because I though that person loved me and was different from all the ass holes who passed through my life. But I was a fool. I trusted so naively again. I forgot that nobody can bear who the real you is. I forgot that as much as people claim that like you to be honest, they can’t handle it.

There is a line in A Few Good Men, where Jack Nicholson tells Tom Cruise (who is pushing him to tell the truth) that: “You want to hear the truth? You can’t handle the truth.” That’s so true. Don’t ever trust anybody with showing all the nuances of your character, all your weaknesses, and all the secrets of your life, even a person you deeply love and claims loving you. Nobody can handle the truth of your being, nobody.

I don’t think I can ever be able to love or trust anyone again. It was the last chance for my soul. I know that, since at each stage of my life that I got disappointed, I became frozen to some degrees. Now I’ve reached the coldest degree. Even the Lady Sun can’t melt the ice.

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