I’m angry at her. She who I can always trust and who loves me unconditionally, she whom I trust to cry for, after hearing my crying, told me senselessly that I should remember that after my divorce, I should remain celibate for three months. Yes, that’s the fucking law in Islam, that a woman who divorces should remain celibate and single for about three months, then she’s legally allowed to get married again. (The justification is to make sure that the woman is not pregnant from her ex-husband. But the fucking law does not consider that the woman might have not had sex with her husband to begin with, might have had sex with someone other than her husband (oh! no way, adultery?!!), or might be on menopause. Yes, even a woman on menopause should follow the rule!) She simply told me that I should consider this law, or the bad omen will hit me.

I know she’s religious and superstitious. I know she said that with good intentions, fearing that the bad omen will add to my pain. But I’m still angry at her. That was the last thing I wanted to hear from her while I was crying. She should know how detached I am right now from sexual desires and from the thought of another marriage. She should know that the fucking law can’t reach me here in the US. Above all that, she should know that I don’t give a damn about the fucking Islamic law. She should have known better.

How could she talk about the silly law while I was crying for her? How could she choose to say that instead of holding me with her kind words? A kind woman who is the only person right now who cares for me and understands what I’m going true told me to ask my friends and family to hold me. But none of them is holding me. Everybody has her own interpretations and her own strategies. I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore. I’ll just keep reading the kind woman’s emails and continue writing here. I also had an over the counter sleeping pill last night, which helped me sleep very well. I think that’s a good thing to do for a short while. If I sleep well, instead of thinking sadly at nights, I’ll get some energy back. I’ll keep on walking and writing. I’m sure I can pass this stage. I’ve survived my horrible childhood, I’ve survived the first year in the US, I’ve survived many bad days, so I can survive this too.

As for the Islamic laws, I’m happy that I have broken as many of them as possible.  I’m an atheist. I believe in no god and no religion. I respect all of them because I believe in human rights. But I consider all religions man-made and stupid; and many of them oppressive. Next time she mentions anything about Islamic law, I can’t guarantee that I won’t break her heart by saying that fuck with Islamic laws.