I think I’m becoming a little bit better today! I volunteered in International Students Center, made friends with a nice Lebanese guy there, and went to the court to do some paperwork. If everything works well, the divorce will be finalized by September 26. I chatted with my ex today, which was good. I’m happy that we are at least friends, I assume good friends. Yesterday I told him about my constant cryings. Today I even talked to him about the guy who has cheated on me. He tries to help. I know he’s not feeling well either. For him, the problem is not the divorce (we’ve separated for more than a year, so he’s at least past the separation sadness stage!), but his job, his immigration status, and his education. I think he’s deeply depressed. I wish I could help, but I’m so depressed myself that I can’t help anybody now. And well, I am not supposed to help anybody now. Once in my lifetime I should pay attention to myself, love myself, and care about myself. I’ve been drowned in thinking about others. My country, my family, my friends, the oppressed people, etc. But it’s silly to care about others without caring about yourself. I think I am mature enough to realize now that there is no merit in sacrifice. My new philosophy of life is that we have so many problems in the world, that our first good contribution to the world should be not adding to its problems. So, we should take care of ourselves first. If I become sick with depression, I’ll impose financial burden on my school to treat me, cause regret and emotional guilt for those who made me depressed, and will decrease the limit of my productivity. That’s not a nice thing to do when I claim to be a women’s right and human rights activist. I’m a woman too, I’m a human too. I should help myself first!

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