*Listen to the Falling Rain by Jose Feliciano

The first week that I was back was like hell. I was crying on and on. It was unbearable, but, ironically, like many other unbearable moments in the past, I bore with the unbearable. I’m really good at surviving. I went out with my friends almost everyday. For the first time I appreciated being in two departments, although that means writing two thesis. I was hanging out with people from both departments. I drank a lot (well, a lot for me means two or three glasses of wine.) I went walking, I went to my advisor’s house, chatted with her and drank with her. She gave me a good sense of support. She’s always understanding and supportive. It felt so good to be in touch with her again. I met with my other adviser who gave me good ideas for my project. I started the new semester with good energy, and I enjoyed the rain. It’s raining constantly. The weather is beautiful. Right now it’s pouring and my feet are soaking (my laptop is under the shade so it’s safe!). I just feel good sitting outside my apartment and enjoy the sound and freshness of the rain.

***

And gosh, I don’t feel frozen anymore. I can love again. The passion has come back to me, and it feels so damn good. My friend is helping me tremendously. I feel so lucky. I feel loved. I feel like I’ve been given another chance to live and love again. I’m so positive and optimistic. I think I can handle the rest. I have someone to take care of me, to love me, to hold me, and to understand me. I must have been really lucky to have this friend. I think I’m getting my star back…

***

I didn’t write for a while, because at some moments the pain was too much, and at some moments I was too confused. I lost the ability to articulate myself on those moments of pain and confusion. I was crying constantly instead of thinking. But right now I feel much better. I think it’s time to move on. I should start a new life. The most difficult moment is passed with the help of the friends I once thought I don’t have. I should get back my words about not having friends. I do have friends, great friends, and I’m so grateful for that.

There is a kind lady who helped me a lot in the past couple of weeks. I wish I see her one day, hold her in my arms, and thank her from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, at a time that I thought I’m losing it. She was like an angle coming from the skies. Thank you dear lady. Thanks for the precious and hard-to-find kindness you offered to me, although you had a lot of problems yourself. You have no idea how helpful your kind words were. Now I know where the passion in your work comes from. It comes from your kind heart and beautiful mind.

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